Well i slept the whole day today as i had no plans 4 today. But as every time i wake up & slept back i kinda have this empty feeling in me. Its a Monday on my holidays and i'm here sleeping. I don't know why but this question came up my mind - "Do I mean anything to anyone?".

Come to think of it, i look back in my life of how hard
I tried to just prove my existence to anyone.
Trying to get love that I did not get when i was young.
Having to always to prove people that they was wrong about me.

But still - What makes me happy? The big question I ask myself once in a while when I'm down. Sadly it is just a hope. Not knowing whether it will last or not. I then wonder how come there is no other source of my happiness. I just don't know who am i. Do i even have my own an identity?

Over and over again in my life the same things happen - being ignored, isolated, rejected and always wrong. I like so used to it until like i feel like im not worth it for anything or anyone. What did i do anyways to you people to be treated these ways. Haish.. I don't know what to say any more. =(



it has been 3 weeks now waiting and I don't know whats happening. Sometimes it can happen, sometimes it can't. Its not like im rushing or anything, I'm just confused. I wonder to myself a simple question - do you even like me in the first place? I still have the feeling that you are keeping things to yourself. All i want is for you to be like more open to me n you to be happy and not to worry of anything else.




i don't why but my injured arm now is like shaking like hell as i type this...




all i want is you baby

why..?whatever i do is never right. Even for times i wanna please people and even for times i wanna please myself. Haishh... okay i tell u.... I'm always fucked up with my life because i always have to be stressed in my life. Never in my life i had a time without stress. It has always been in my mind. It is like even a part of my everyday life.

At times like this i always feel like just killing myself. Nothing in my life have been easy for me. I sacrificed a lot in my life to prove to people for who i am. I always tried to do good but i don't get anything in return. It not that doing something good i would expect something in return. It's just having the feeling of "what's the point". arghhh... i duno lahh...

All i want in life is to be completely happy again but there are always buts. Nothing in my life seems to last. I am just keeping on this hope which is the only source of my happyness left. haishh...even for this hope i dunno it will last or not. I think I'm just a piece of nothing. haish i don't even know what i'm talking now.

im confused lahh... i tink im going to be in depression soon if this goes on...ok to tell u the truth, i actually lied when i said im going to be okay but no.. these are the kind of things i keep away from people. I don't even know why i do. i feel like really giving up. i nvr do anything right in my life. i just wanna give up n like run away from everything but this is life i cant run away.
i just don't know lahh
n baby im really sorry
look at me i am actually the weak one okay.
haish...

hmm..well...
the first day of danzation was a blast
n BABY shouted my name =)
btw tmr is another day
well simply said i can't wait

i did some mistakes...opppss..
but i dun mind..haha
when i dance i wanna dance out of the best of me
but still mesti have fun
if no fun might as well tk yahh joget kan..hahas
still i have a long way to go
learning all i can in terms of dance and others as long i'm alive!!
well learning has always been never ending..

well anyways
come to think of it
tmr's performance would be my last for the year
and after looking back at my past few performances diz year
i think..
i just improved a bit =(
well maybe its just hard dats y its taking a long time to improve
hahas
its time for me to step it up a notch!!

another thing weird happened today
as i was watching the family segment of danzation
i started crying
haish
i gez today was da day da piece by NRA really struck
not that it was the whole reason why i cried
but it's still one of my favorites for danzation
well i really cried because da piece triggered my mind
creating flashbacks about my father
its not because my father was like the story in the piece
it was rather the opposite
why couldn't father be just like that?
why do you have to do this to me?
why?
why?
why?
a lot of questions but so little answers
dats y i have told some people b4 dat
"its already good enough that they love n care for u even though u don't like their ways"
well wish i had those kinds of memories
haish...

"its already good enough that they love n care for u even though u don't like their ways"??

im kinda doubting myself now when i said dat
coz for some parents
they hard still hard to understand
what do they want actually? - "for the best of us" ??
but then..
why do they always contradict?
haish
i still don't have the answer yet baby..

well lastly tmr is another day of danzation yay!!
n hope the crowd is more hype thou!!
dance dance till ya drop

PEACE OUT =)
i gt no idea y i wrote dat hahahahahhahaha..