hakim =)

the BUT

2009-11-26T03:27:00.003+08:00

There are always BUTs in this world & yes the world is never perfect for anyone. So the big question is actually - How do we react and deal with these BUTs?

Now I myself wonder how. so how,How,HOW!!! I'm awake here thinking,

"Okay come to think of it, I'm actually not paranoid. This is how people are supposed to react when it comes to this kind of situations right BUT the thing that doesn't make sense is that I'm only having 1 part of the reaction that I'm supposed to. Am I being too kind?"

So the next question is that - What should I do next?

A new chapter in my life.

2009-09-24T05:55:00.004+08:00

Well I know, I should be sleeping right now & it's been a while since I wrote anything here.

It's been a while since I'm down and now a happy thing finally happened to my life. YOU made a difference in my life. You made me smile, laugh and have something look forward to each day. YOU have been there for me when I'm down. & I love it when YOU calm me down with YOUr sweet voice.

Well it's been 3 weeks now, where I already love YOU & still crazy about YOU. The truth is, I not the kind of person who straight away says ily when I get into a relationship because actually for me it takes time for me to actually say it. It's not that I'm shy to say it, but it's the time I want to say it must really mean it when I say it. I seriously don't know how to explain it lahh..
The thing is, with YOU it feels so right to say those words over & over again because I really am deeply IN LOVE WITH YOU.
this picture damn cute =)

Okay so what I have been doing for CHEER!!
I've seriously not been doing much tumbling but now I'm starting back my back handsprings. & let me tell you doing those BHSs on the ground just aches the wrists. Well partner stunts on the other hand had been damn great. I've been progressing with having my single right liberty quite stable & still working on cupie. & yeahh soon I need to start going to the gym train out my arm muscles so that I can increase my endurance for partner stunts.
( you know lahh i can't tahan that long. hee. )
Anyways, I'm seriously proud seeing my LOVE progressing in her flying. & yeahh me & baby can do toss to hands --> extension. Anymore than that needs more work. heee...
LET'S DO IT OKAY BABY!!
ouh yahh we should like take pictures & videos soon okay!!

injured & scarred

2009-07-09T04:20:00.002+08:00

Yesterday I injured my back while trying to perfect my ROBT. I think this is my worst injury yet as it's near the lower back area.. Now I'm only on medication. If the pain is going to be worst, I'm going for a X-ray check.

Well I layed down on my bed the whole day knowing I can't move much & obviously I started thinking. People don't really remember me for who I am and it makes me sad thinking of it. The norm would be that you would say that, " I'll be there for you when you're down". But where were you. I was there for you even though I was late I still was there for you.

I wonder why I still wanna be nice to people even though I know you would not remember me as who I am. Another norm what people say is that, "Don't expect for something in return". Yeah but then, how painful would you feel to try to help that person so much just to be noticed where in the end your efforts are just forgotten. People say," when it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be". Come to think of it, that's a naive phrase used commonly by girls.

Try to be in my shoes, wondering each day what did I do wrong. If you were really in my shoes, you will find out nothing is wrong but still it doesnt solve anything.

When I try to solve this thing out it kinda could'nt work. Trying to click with the people I know but always there's this barrier stoping me to bond with them. Make friends with them got problem, then make friends with them got prob. That's why I'm stuck in the middle, lonely most of the time and tagging along with people. Be in my shoes & see why I'm always like this.

Can you feel my pain?

2009-06-24T01:49:00.004+08:00

Well I just don't know why but I will only blog when I'm feeling down. Most of the time that is. I know some will say that I'm emo & all but then I choose to blog out my emotion whenever I can't turn to anyone when I'm down or even feel like typing something out. So that's why you hardly see happy stuffs here.

Well my day was okay, I managed to concentrate throughout my Database class today sampai I didn't replied people on msn..hehe..[I'm confident today I'll get another 'A' because I deserve it =)]
After class, I went for dance & well OMG it was damn fun, & tiring, lahh...hehehe...Its been so long since I had fun dancing like that...heeee..=D

Well today someone said something that bother me this night, "Aiyah. Who would wanna be with you seh??!!"(it some how phrased like that because I can't fully remember it) When I heard that, it really struck me straight to my heart because as she was saying that, the people that were around me are all girls. It really hurts to be reminded that that was a fact. All my life I had this problem about acceptance. Even how hard I try I just seem to fail & I don't know why. Is it me? What's wrong with me?

You may think that I'm desperate to get a girl but I'm not actually. Not many people can feel my pain. Even how much I tell them the story about my life they don't seem to be on the same page as me. For some of you may know, my life just fell instantly back about 4 years ago. It's not like I'm still clinging on the past but the past made me who I am now, a better person than few years back. It's hard for me to move on when my real goal can never be achieved since then. What people say as a joke may hurt me & I try my best to keep it to myself.

Each single day I reflected and reflected by myself, well I started to see that there's not much problem with me. So I started comparing myself with other people & what I found out was a kind of opposite of me, mostly are. Girls that are pretty but bitches & guys that are handsome but an ass. So from there I think to myself, its kind of stupid to change to be like those people just to get accepted. I then made a conclusion from all my reflections it's not the problem about me but it's people, which I feel is the society these days. That's a conclusion I stand for now but the deeper you go more questions you will have. I started observing the psychology of people. Well it's not easy.

My problems are not only girls, the person who knows most of my problems is my bestie, Effa, yet she hardly understands me but she still tries her best & be a listening ear. =) IMY girl.

I may think too much but it's hard to stop when you have a lot of problems which some problems has no link to another. So it's just damn hard to stop stressing when I feel like falling without a single cushion in my sight.

I think that's enough for now.
Ouh yahh lastly..

To my lovely daughter,

I so miss you so much. & I hope to see you soon. Thanks for being there for me at late nights & all when I'm down or just plain bored. I enjoyed having your company a lot. Lastly, I wanna tell you that if you are reading this right now, SHUT YOUR LAPPY & GO STUDY!!!hehe =)

loves,
daddy kimmy =)

Reason to Smile

2009-06-12T03:26:00.004+08:00

Reason to Smile

How can one smile such sweet smiles,
When one is so saddened by sorrows for miles,
How can I smile the same smiles,
When life brings me nothing but tears,

I wondered for so long,
What reason you had to smile that long,
To keep smiling though troubles come,
And still remain sweet and silently overcome,

It's such a mystery to me,
Your smiles from heaven with glee,
I adore and yet envy thee,
But I'd rather you smile those at me,

I feel happy when I see you smile,
Even if I'm sad and lonely,
Your smiles bring me somewhere,
I don't even know where,

But it was you,
You gave me the reason to smile,
To smile with no reason,
To smile for a smile,

I guess life is just like that,
We need not a reason to smile,
For a smile is the reason itself,
To rejoice and open-heartedly give thanks,

I learned to smile because of you,
Because your smiles bring me joy when blue,
It proves how well and powerful,
A simple sweet smile can become so beautiful,

Smile for the sake of a smile,
Smile for the sake of happiness,
Smile for the sake of life,
Smile because of hope left in life,

Smile my friends,
Smile for me my Love,
Smile those same sweet smiles,
Smile so the world can be a peaceful dove...

-Lendl Ian Servillon

a very well written poem...i like it alot.. =)
fyi: (i can never ever write such a thing like this..haha)

random empty-ness in my head

2009-06-03T02:12:00.005+08:00

I have been finding for answers from loads of people which keep giving me the same ones which never really answers my questions.

- Be happy for you?
Okay lahh I'm happy for you & all since finally after so long you took my advice which was the same one I told you few months back.

- Should I stay?
Since most people keep telling me to think of myself, then staying is not an option for me then. It's like whats the point of staying when nothing benefits me because all I get back is stress & more of it. They get what they want but what about me.

- Getting over you
Nothing really has helped for it so it's hard to get over you since i like see you when I'm dancing. You have no idea how much I miss you n still even how much hatred about you I still want to love & care for you. But what to do kann, my life is so unfortunate that you finally realize when you found another person than me.

- What about me?
I think too much for others where I get stressed up and all because I used to believe in karma but its like I do good deeds but nothing good seems to happen much in my life. So I'm going to take the other route, to do everything for myself.

- Friends?
I've always wonder what the definition of friends really is. I thought friends are supposed to be a supportive person but nowadays I notice they just give up on me when I'm down. I know I like that when I'm sad but still I though as friends you should be there for them at all times. If you are really my friend why do you always come & go. Then people say " You should approach them".. Hey you know how stupid it feels to just follow people around, trying to bond with them with stupid jokes & still get not acknowledged by them.

- So is it my fault or people?
Mostly of you just come to a conclusion that the problem is me this that blah3. That's my personality when I'm sad. Imagine telling a sad person that its their fault, where its like not even helping to make that person happier. I know my own flaw but this is whats makes me, me. I'm am realistic to the point of going to depression when my life is going through a tough time. This is the realistic part of me that makes me smart in class & you expect me to change it. I know loads of things like how to make people happy n stuff but not myself happy.

- People who don't believe me
Hey you are the people who told me to stand up for myself so I'm doing it then whats the point of you getting pissed of about my opinions. If you want to talk bad about me, then that's your problem. After you're done bitching, look yourself in the mirror & look what kind of person you really are. So why does everything in life contradict each other. The psychology of people is such a hard thing to understand.

- Naruto Manga - "Pain"
After reading that chapter and understood what Pain was talking about, I realized that it actually really applies in our own world. "The world is an accursed place. There will be never such a thing as peace until people understood one another." Even in a small organization or group there never would have peace when no one understands each other. And this is the problem with you people. I tried so hard to make the bond in the group stronger & well I failed because all you all do is think for yourselves as individuals only. Where I on the other hand, tried so hard & ended up a freaking shadow where I'm never acknowledge for who I am in that group.
[ there will never be peace in the IG believe me ]

There are more things running through my head right now but I'm too tried to type anymore. HAHAHAAHH!!

I'll be gone soon

2009-05-09T00:14:00.002+08:00

I tried so hard & look what I eventually got back in return. haishh...
I'm tired of all this as to know each day there will be a new problem that is going to arise.
Now you know why I hardly smile.

Till now I only found one person that really understands what I'm going through.
So for the rest of you, you have no right to judge on my life because you don't feel my pain each single day where every time, every day I get new problems.

So why does life bothers me a lot?
Well I'm the type that goes straight face 2 face at problems & try my best to solve them where I'm not that kind of person who just ignores a problem.

But from what I see now, its just useless. I try to be kind & this happens. It's time for a change for me. I'm going to think for myself, my own good.

I'll be gone soon & I mean it now. I regret loads of stuffs till it's like uncountable. Well soon I will be doing something that I should have done last year. Stupid thing is, no one is going to even care that I'm gone so which means I have no reason to stay. So bye bye.

Dear world,

Why do you have to be so cruel to my life?

Hakim=Judge???

2009-04-17T04:31:00.005+08:00

Well I don't think I'm going to write that post today Because I'm just too fucked up with my life now till I can't be bothered to look back. For now, I think I'll talk about judging.

This is me. This is who I am.
Seriously no one knows how I really feel as time & time again I proved myself right about that. This is why I hate to tell people about my problems but I just can't help it as this is me, I need to let out to someone.
Usually, I would talk to Effa but now she's busy with her life & trying to hold her life back together. So I don't want to disturb her so I'm just giving her time for herself.
But the thing I hate the most is when I talk to them about my problems, they start judging. People always judge no matter they are your friend, best friend or even your counselor. They seriously judge. These is what I feel that the common human trait has.

There's a reason why I am this way. Why I'm hardly happy? Why I'm always stressed? Why I'm always thinking too much?
These kinds of reason are just hard to be explained by words because it's by life experience.
If any of you are able to make me happy and still not to judge, I tell you that you will have a bright future.
When people start to judge, they will go to a conclusion. When they start going to a conclusion without solving the problem, it just means they give up.

Seriously, I'm a hard person to be around with. One of the reasons that I can tell you why I am like this is because of the people around me. My surroundings affect how I feel & think about things.

Well by here if anyone is reading this you will confirm start to judge about me saying that I'm egoistic or negative minded or I'm a whacko guy talking crap. Am I right? That's up to you to decide. This just how I feel about things which I know you would think I'm negative minded.

You all just don't know how I feel so stop judging. I hate to say names because if I were to list them, I could create an essay from those names. That's how pathetic my life is. It's up to you to bother or not to because this will just determines what kind of person you are; a selfish individually or just simply a friend. You choose!

Dreams

2009-04-12T03:58:00.004+08:00

Dreams in sleep? Hmm.. I wonder why can't it be controlled , but to an extend it can be control abit, but still the story of the dreams of where it starts can't be very much been controlled.
At times its happy.
At times its shocking.
At times its pleasuring.
At times its just damn sad.
I still don't get it why it can't be controlled. If we can control our lives why not our dreams.
(anyways this is just my random thoughts,haha)

Last night, I had this very weird dream where my ex last time (which was like 3 years ago one) appeared in my dream. First, I kind of saw this girl in this house. After a while then I found out that it was my ex. The sad thing was these kind of dreams are hard to remember. The only things I remebered in that dream was that I kissed her and she pushed me away. While the rest of the dream was like blank. So the thing I was wondering is what is that dream about till it was kind of intresting for me of a situation like i was rejected of my kiss, which didn't happened before. But still sadly it was just a dream which of ones I can't remember.

You know some dreams to me are like movies where they are intresting to watch having an intro, climax and ending. But the stupid thing is the ending kind of determines the mood of the person who is waking up from that dream. For example, this girl (i will not mention who) has just broke up with her boyfriend which she still loves. Unfortunately one day, she dreamt of the happy moments she and her boyfriend had. When it come to the ending when she wakes up, she starts crying and become sad for the rest for the day.
Well for another example would be, this guy (common story) having the most enjoying dream he has ever had till he wet his bed. Then, when it comes to the climax of the dream, his friend wakes him up. Well his first reaction would be that his pissed because he lost his chance, like whatsoever in his dreams.

Well for that dream I had, when i woke up in the morning, I just felt puzzled for the rest of the start of the day.

"Hmmm...Of all people why did she poped into my dreams."

Well suddenly it feels kind of fun doing this kind of post. So whats next for my post? hmmm..I think I'll write about a part of my life. Maybe, the story about how cheering saved my life? Interesting....heeeheee... O.O

Happiness lost?

2009-03-30T20:42:00.003+08:00

Well the day after cheerobics, i went out with Amirah..whee =) Actually I just teman her that day to IT Helpdesk to fix her lappy but i felt like watching a movie that day since i just finished cheerobics so to celebrate i wanted to watch "COMING SOON". Luckily she was up for it..haha.. Well i wanted to watch this show because i hear from alot of people that it's scary so which means its a good show. But in the end i ended up LAUGHING INSTEAD in 2 of the sences...hahahah.. Still its a good show to watch as i like the story line and the climax which is unexpected which makes it a great show to watch.

Overall it was a happy day for me too as it has been a long time since i hanged out with amirah. Well i still miss that pantat girl till now.hahah =)

But when it came to the next day. The happiness I had those past 2 days where starting to vanish. I came to BBoy class that day early with a great attitude but then first i saw the attendance & i was like OMG!!!!O.O... Then right after that I just found out there were like so little no. of people joining the BBoy routine of Momentum '09. I tried not to get piss off or anything but to even think of a fucking solution for this it's like impossible unless i can control people's minds by will. I'm like so fed up.

Even now when i'm in this this post as a VP, no one reali acknowledge me as one; i know i have to gain respect from the others first, but still no ones listening to my fucking ideas & advices. Thats why in order for me not to fully lose my temper, i act like a stupid idiot entertaining people with my stupid gestures.

And now having in a difficult position, I have to make a choice - SKM cheer competition OR Momentum 2009. I have a choice to make because the dates of these 2 events clash. Haishh... i wanted both of these but ended up have to make a hard decision. But still my piority has to go to cheerleading because its been my life & it saved my life. The worst thing is this competion has the semis n finals back to back meaning its on the next day is the finals after the day of the semis. Well Momentum falls on the 29th n 30th where 30th is my semis.

A choice i made is to perform for both which i have a price to pay which is tiredness everyday. I'll perform on the 29th but on the 30th i'll only perform for the night show where i have to rush right after my performance in the semis.n the next day hopefully to the finals!!

But still i'm making this decision is because of you people!! If it had been normal n all for Momentum i have no reason to sacrifice myself. What i feel is that you people are selfish like fuck!! For example some only come to classes just to perform. I'm like WTF!!! I have to stop here arh because my anger is kinda rising like hell now. Good Luck to you people lahh!!

Cheerobics 2009

2009-03-30T20:11:00.003+08:00

It's been sometime since I blogged so now I'm updating for what has happened. Well anyways, Cheerobics was last week on the 22nd of March where I enjoyed a very happy day for me. Let just the pics n vids show the talking here aitez..

Our 2-2-3!!! =D

HERES OUR PERFORMANCE!!!WEEE!!!

2009-03-13T03:04:00.008+08:00

Yesterday I watched Marley & Me on the web. Well the movie was damn good till it made me cry. HAHA!! (that was how good the show was) It really showed how sad it was to lose a companion even though his an irritating one. It's really a must watch show. & I know this show was released last year well im outdated.. -_- But still its a good show & i think later I'm watching again.

Last Tuesday we had our training which was damn funny. I think I let the video do the talking. It may looks intentional in the video but seriously it was funny because initially i was happily relaxing. & thanks to the papaya sisters for making me laugh n smile for the day. =)

That day was also a a meaningful because I finally got my round off back tuck with more confidence. For now I only have the pictures as the video have not been uploaded yet.
Look at me and YQ doing together with same timing n synchronization.

I really need a change. After reflecting on myself, I found out I'm not really happy about myself. Well in my life I've like change a couple of times n still I can't find my happiness.

it's not the time yet

In Frustration with my body.

2009-02-22T03:20:00.005+08:00

Well today was a day that is like so the frustrating and demotivating. Knowing that the competitions are coming up in one month's time but still my body has to fail on me. haishh..
Whenever I get back my confidence for doing my ROBT, my ankle has to be in pain again for no reason. Like WTF. Imagine to suffer a pain when even doing it properly. I'm like totally fed up. I always thought this was for once would something that I could do right in life but still it some sort fails yet again.

This thought came to my mind like in a struck of lighting when i was like in pain after a nicely done ROBT. Soon after that I just lost my mood and demotivated to the max.I like don't get it why must it always end up this way where every time when I finally get confident in something, this will happen which eventually makes me just want to give up. Over and over again this kind of situation happens. & I don't get it why it's so frequent in my life.

I tried to make a difference, sacrificed & changed so much yet nothing really changes in my life. It couldn't be that I'm always unlucky right.
Well I want to shout out to the people who is reading this.
- What should I do even after I've been through this much? -

Tomorrow will be another day & hope it won't be the same.
hmmm....hope??

A little hope can brighten up your day,
But too much hope can kill you.

tiring weekend

2009-02-16T02:46:00.005+08:00

Well yet again i still have this fear n i can seem to overcome it
& I'm like left with about exactly a month to get it over with
In the past it was like so easy for me until my ankle kept having pains
Those were the pains that made me have these fears till i did them all wrong

This was a video i took a few months back when it was less fearful

Haishh..I wished things got back to the way before which was just happy go lucky. But still I can't help it that there are still issues that meant to me which I had to bring up. Unfortunately, you were not happy about it. From what I've experienced with you, whenever I want to talk about serious stuffs you won't want to talk about it & you will start going piss off over me.

Well it's now clear to me that you don't want any relationship & I respect that. But I got this sms yesterday from you that I feel is kind of contradicting. I'm not going to bring up that sms though since you don't want to talk about relationships. & I'm okay with that.

For now all I want is for you to be back to your happy self. I know you want me by your side & well I've thought about it that I won't leave you so don't worry. & lastly
I REALLY MISS YOU AMIRAH...
if u still going to say "oh ouhk" again also i don't care because i will still miss you

I LOVE YOU
well if you're probably not going to say this to me ever again but i'm going to
n i hope i can be more to you than this

I GOT BIG EYES!!!

2009-02-12T07:27:00.005+08:00

haishh...
it's like i can't really sleep sehh...
i'm not even like thinking of anything sehh...
i guess i'm just crazy or my eyes has a mind of it's own until i can't sleep...
hahahhahahahah...

well what a week...
n i did some more thinking for the week...
i guess i'm just thinking too much hahh...
well as u said i need change...
hahhahahahahah...
it's kinda funny because i'm suddenly recalling lots of stuffs in the past...
dalahh cukup save that for some other time...
hahahas...
GoodNight then world or isit GoodMorning...
haha..

well i found this quote on the net...
“Life can either be accepted or changed. If it is not accepted, it must be changed. If it cannot be changed, then it must be accepted.”

the week

2009-02-05T22:47:00.003+08:00

Well I had time to time about my week and after 2 weeks of holidays. It’s a lot of slacking which is great but I feel useless. Useless sitting at home waiting for something to happen. Yes I know I have to find a job but too bad I’m picky.
Don’t blame me for that okay. I’m not the only picky person in this world you know so don’t judge..
Useless is already one thing but still I kind of deproved a lot. Even I know that I tried like so much to do better but still I don’t know why I can’t. Haish...

Anyways this holidays I have started to make this statement, I effing hate cockroaches. They have been all around my house & I have been killing 2 per day on average. Imagine before and sleeping having to see a cockroach around you.
It also kind of affected my sleep too.
So DAMN you roaches!!

Well today as I was about to sleep at about 7 plus a.m. in the morning, something kind of popped back into my mind.
The question is back haunting me again..
Haishh..
Anyways don't even bother asking..

Well i still miss u
,love...

its been some time

2009-02-03T04:06:00.006+08:00

Whoa well it's been long since I blogged..
But I don't wanna blog much thou..
Anyways I got to upload my video after so long..ahahah..
Please do leave ur comments aitez..

I loved the time we had today...
& I want more of those tight hugs...heee..
k lahh thats all for tonight..

so much to learn!!

2009-01-22T00:16:00.002+08:00

wow..
I've just noticed that I have a lot of new things to learn..
Well a lot is from cheer since Cheerobics is coming soon..
In less than 2 months, I have to perfect;

Walk to Liberty (cheering at the same time)
Toe-pitch 360
Double toe-touch Back tuck
Round-off Back tuck/Layout

Well for now this is what I know for what I have to work on..
& the hard thing is all of it is either I never done it before or I'm in deep fear of it..
And I bet more is coming for me..
Arghhh...

& sorry, I guess I'll be missing from dance for a while..
& I don't think I can dance well anymore..
It feels like my momentum of dance is gone..
Ouh well I need to concentrate on my cheerleading anyways..

I believe I can do this as I have come this far..
& I'll try to work harder..
C'mon HAKIM!!!
I CAN DO THIS!!!

well u were right....

2009-01-21T02:09:00.003+08:00

Thanks for sharing the story about u n him
it means a lot for me...
because now i then understand why...

hey Darl!! i kinda miss you!!! coz dah lamer tk meet kan..
n guess what...
u were right...
the prob has always been me...
haishh..
sad to say this but its true...
well im a loser and have always been losing all my life till now...

will u ever see me like as what u see me the last few weeks ago?

when can i ever be happy again

responsibilities...

2009-01-19T11:06:00.003+08:00

I'm a bad person!!!
I just realized that I didn't do my big responsibility all this while...
I such a useless person from what i see...
Fuck my life...!!
I don't think I'm even worth for anyone now...
haishhh...

I miss you I really do...
But it still feels weird...
Even though I already saw you, I'm still missing you...
Haishh...

im not me.

2009-01-11T15:46:00.003+08:00

well yesterday was RPresenting to DA Fullest 2...it was a blast as it last coz it was my first time doing n being involved in such an event...i believe we all did great as i can see the event was a success!!!

But when it ended...i felt weird...actually i felt like empty...
i don't even noe y i felt this way...
eventhou i been always wanting to be involved in this kind of event but i shudnt feel empty...

i am so not myself diz days...not gg to class a lot misssing my meals everyday n even smoking marlboro...haish...its like ive lost it...im even contradicting myself for who i am...
so what the hell m i doing? haishh..

i know u r not ready so i don't want to pressure u anymore...
so i just want u to be happy...

More Confused

2009-01-08T19:55:00.002+08:00

today the day was dead...
haish...

well i have so many question and so little answers like usual...
how not to when i don't know anything...
the confusion was why do feel like im wrong asking u this
well i don't know actually
Its like i've been noticing that ur been acting weird & differently since monday
and i was just curious of ur post on that day
so i had to ask questions pe
but like usual, theres no answer

well from what i see ur not telling mie a lot of things..i just said i wanted the truth which the truth usually comes out natural but if u take time to think, i just means ur scared to say the truth which wadever answer i hear will not be the total truth and maybe a lie...its no that im impatient, im just frustrated that u had even take quite some time to think even when i ask u for only the truth...

well if u people don't agree on my analysis of this..im fine with that because this is how i think...

So like now is it wrong for me to ask?
It's not like i ask everyday..

okay this is how i feel that make me ask these questions...
externally we are okay but still internally we r not...i can sense dat...
we need 2 hands to clap...as u can see...
okay seriously im in love with u but i cant see that in return which starts to make mie think am i just a fling to u because its been sometime and i gave u time well to me its not really progress from what i see...
All i want is the truth...i dun even mind if its bad because at least i got it clear..well to tell u the truth this is me...i live with the truth...

hmmm...i suddenly realized again that i have not many friends...how sad is that...well its mostly because of sides that i have to choose...like for example this person has a problem with the other and the other has a problem with the person and well both are my friends...this is always the kind of situations that i have to select sides...but for me i always tried to be neutral but i is not always good as i will start to lose them...i just don't understand...

So the big question again, is it a problem with me or is it the people?
you judge!!

feelings???

2009-01-07T20:37:00.004+08:00

Well im just confused now...like AGAIN!!...haish...
The common thing that has been happening in my life is that
I always have to wait, Wait &WAIT!!
If the reason for me waiting is reasonable i'm okay with it
but still i cant wait forever...
You know that feeling of hanging & hanging..
Haish...UNTILL WHEN??c'mon lahhh..

I prefer the truth than rather having this hanging feeling...
U know what, i just feel stupid...
hopeless...
useless...
well "I DON'T KNOW LAHH!!!"
that's what all people say
even they know they still say don't know
To me it just sound dumb...
haishh...

well now it's my turn to say it
i don't know lah..

So is ignorance a bliss?
NO!!
i don't think so because it irritates me alot..

look's like i hoped for nothing...haish...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

2009-01-03T02:33:00.003+08:00

Wow Thursday was 1st of january 2009!!! hahahas...well i enjoyed the night of celebration...playing cards and mahjong..eating all the junk food.. looking a the fireworks(it would have been more joyful if u were dere with mie..heee)....and a session of bitching as usual...

Hmmm...the new year...i don't really look forward to it actually coz like starting on monday will be like skul for only a pathetic 3 weeks onli...but still i will get to see n hug (who she calls herself mental/mentel...haha) baby...at least it would keep my sprits up...

Well as like ppl say a new year, new resolutions BUT what is the use of these resolutions...no one really follows to it...worst is do u even rmb last year's resolution...hahahs..for mie i think i'll just be as usual & try to be come better day by day...seriously its no use making a new year resolution whr it wont happen..but i rely more on hope...hope one day it will happen...coz hope is what i can only hold on to these days...

well one of my hopes for now is to be able to quit these sticks..hahahhas...well HOPEFULLY!!

well actually in the new year i had a moment dat dae alone where i look back what happened in 2008..da thing is about mie is i think too muchh...cant help it...really...but still i seen mie achieve things dat i actually didnt thot i could have done when i was in 2007...I achieve quite a lot in a year n i bet dere is more to come in this year...

well my hope from now onwards is actually to be with u...i hope to achieve a great relationship for days n days n days to come...i cant say dat i promise coz promise is a big word...well i rather hope we will turn out for the better for us n ur life...i hope ur parents would be better for time to come coz dey cant be acting all the way like dat to u coz still ur a growing gurl baby n ur life is chging bit by bit...well for mow ill hold it on hope...but baby if ur parents still like dat i think i serious gg to start doing something bout it but for da moment plz be strong... =)

hmm...come to think of it...i seriously dunno wad im writing now..hahahs

i cant wait to see u on monday baby...
its been like a week n i miss u alot...
i miss u... =)

Confused

2008-12-22T20:35:00.003+08:00

Well i slept the whole day today as i had no plans 4 today. But as every time i wake up & slept back i kinda have this empty feeling in me. Its a Monday on my holidays and i'm here sleeping. I don't know why but this question came up my mind - "Do I mean anything to anyone?".

Come to think of it, i look back in my life of how hard
I tried to just prove my existence to anyone.
Trying to get love that I did not get when i was young.
Having to always to prove people that they was wrong about me.

But still - What makes me happy? The big question I ask myself once in a while when I'm down. Sadly it is just a hope. Not knowing whether it will last or not. I then wonder how come there is no other source of my happiness. I just don't know who am i. Do i even have my own an identity?

Over and over again in my life the same things happen - being ignored, isolated, rejected and always wrong. I like so used to it until like i feel like im not worth it for anything or anyone. What did i do anyways to you people to be treated these ways. Haish.. I don't know what to say any more. =(

it has been 3 weeks now waiting and I don't know whats happening. Sometimes it can happen, sometimes it can't. Its not like im rushing or anything, I'm just confused. I wonder to myself a simple question - do you even like me in the first place? I still have the feeling that you are keeping things to yourself. All i want is for you to be like more open to me n you to be happy and not to worry of anything else.

i don't why but my injured arm now is like shaking like hell as i type this...

all i want is you baby

im confused..n feel like dying..haish

2008-12-22T00:47:00.003+08:00

why..?whatever i do is never right. Even for times i wanna please people and even for times i wanna please myself. Haishh... okay i tell u.... I'm always fucked up with my life because i always have to be stressed in my life. Never in my life i had a time without stress. It has always been in my mind. It is like even a part of my everyday life.

At times like this i always feel like just killing myself. Nothing in my life have been easy for me. I sacrificed a lot in my life to prove to people for who i am. I always tried to do good but i don't get anything in return. It not that doing something good i would expect something in return. It's just having the feeling of "what's the point". arghhh... i duno lahh...

All i want in life is to be completely happy again but there are always buts. Nothing in my life seems to last. I am just keeping on this hope which is the only source of my happyness left. haishh...even for this hope i dunno it will last or not. I think I'm just a piece of nothing. haish i don't even know what i'm talking now.

im confused lahh... i tink im going to be in depression soon if this goes on...ok to tell u the truth, i actually lied when i said im going to be okay but no.. these are the kind of things i keep away from people. I don't even know why i do. i feel like really giving up. i nvr do anything right in my life. i just wanna give up n like run away from everything but this is life i cant run away.
i just don't know lahh
n baby im really sorry
look at me i am actually the weak one okay.
haish...

Wheeeee!!!

2008-12-20T04:21:00.002+08:00

hmm..well...
the first day of danzation was a blast
n BABY shouted my name =)
btw tmr is another day
well simply said i can't wait

i did some mistakes...opppss..
but i dun mind..haha
when i dance i wanna dance out of the best of me
but still mesti have fun
if no fun might as well tk yahh joget kan..hahas
still i have a long way to go
learning all i can in terms of dance and others as long i'm alive!!
well learning has always been never ending..

well anyways
come to think of it
tmr's performance would be my last for the year
and after looking back at my past few performances diz year
i think..
i just improved a bit =(
well maybe its just hard dats y its taking a long time to improve
hahas
its time for me to step it up a notch!!

another thing weird happened today
as i was watching the family segment of danzation
i started crying
haish
i gez today was da day da piece by NRA really struck
not that it was the whole reason why i cried
but it's still one of my favorites for danzation
well i really cried because da piece triggered my mind
creating flashbacks about my father
its not because my father was like the story in the piece
it was rather the opposite
why couldn't father be just like that?
why do you have to do this to me?
why?
why?
why?
a lot of questions but so little answers
dats y i have told some people b4 dat
"its already good enough that they love n care for u even though u don't like their ways"
well wish i had those kinds of memories
haish...

"its already good enough that they love n care for u even though u don't like their ways"??

im kinda doubting myself now when i said dat
coz for some parents
they hard still hard to understand
what do they want actually? - "for the best of us" ??
but then..
why do they always contradict?
haish
i still don't have the answer yet baby..

well lastly tmr is another day of danzation yay!!
n hope the crowd is more hype thou!!
dance dance till ya drop

PEACE OUT =)
i gt no idea y i wrote dat hahahahahhahaha..

Diz is crap din bother reading..Hahas!!

2008-12-20T03:59:00.002+08:00

wow my first post!!!
well testing onli!!
hahahs...

[ just trying out bloging ]